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kellie_44
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Name: Kellie
Location: Louisiana, United States
Birthday: 1/17/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: God & singing only for Him, composing songs, singing in Sent (my band), hanging out with my AMAZING friends, being at XA, playing tennis, mint chocolate chip ice cream with gummy bears (mmmmmm), sunsets, taking pictures, drawing, watermelon, running at Compton, picnics, making new friends, telling random stories, layering my clothes, laying out, driving around, writing poetry, su doku, reading (sometimes), playing piano, going to church, making people laugh, & just living out my life to glorify the One who gave it to me!!
Expertise: Music
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  spacecow44
Member Since:
1/19/2004
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| Do you want to see something really funny? Like truly, deeply, grossly funny? I started this when I was 15 - and I looked like this:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - That's straight up grossness. Now I'm the little age of 19 and look like this:  whewwww Anyway...I found that REALLY funny...... | | |
| Well, I'm a few days late...but I'm doing my annual birthday update. I turned 19 years old 3 days ago. It's a rather random age...but my last year as a teenager. Exciting, yes, yet also bittersweet. It'll be weird to turn 20... Til next year... | | |
| LET'S SEE... I wish with all my heart that Xanga was still around. I remember when I was a freshman in high school, before the days of Facebook and Myspace, that Xanga was THE thing to do. We would all spend hours on this site. Insanity, yeah! I find it humorous how I only update this thing for myself...so I can come back in a few months and see what was wracking my brain at this present stage of my life. I didn't even know I'd come back on here and updated those past couple of entries. I had forgotten about it until just now. I turn 19 in about 4 months & 9 days...random, I know. But I always seem to count down to my birthday on Xanga. 19 is nothing special. 18 was nothing special. I'm kind of at a really weird age I guess. I'm tired of having "teen" tagged onto my age. It's getting pretty boo! Well...I am in college now. About to be 4 weeks into it to be exact. I go to Northwestern State University in Natchitoches, living on campus. I hate it. I mean, I enjoy my classes and the very few people that I've met there, but I just feel really disconnected. It's caused me to not care about anything. I skipped my classes yesterday and today. I'm just really confused right now. College has not been anything I thought it would be thus far. Church has been phenomenal lately. Absolutely phenomenal. No words can describe it. Prayer has been so powerful, sermons have been amazing, and worship...worship has been indescribable. God's presence has become so evident within the walls of the POA and in the hearts of those who attend church there. Surge (the college group) is really about to do something incredible...I can feel it with everything in me. We are about to do something big within the church. WE are the examples. Sis. Vesta Mangun spoke to us in Pure Surge this past Wednesday night, and God weeded out the people who weren't very serious about it during "altar call" until there was the core group left. We all got a hold of something that night. I feel it in my heart that there was definitely a turning point within the group. I feel it. I do. My circle of friends has definitely expanded lately. RUSH and Surge are separated now. It's weird - I have a great new group of friends in Surge, but I hardly ever get to spend time with my RUSH groups. Sad, yes, but unavoidable? Yes. It's weird not being at ASH and being surrounded by my comfort-zone. My group of RUSH friends was my world. It's tough to jump in there and start over with new people. I didn't know I'd have this much of a mental struggle with it!! But it's all right, because I've learned to conquer my insecurities and just dive right in. Its 2:40 AM right now...and I have to get up and be at the church at 11:30 in the morning to meet up with Tim, Jessica, & the rest of the crew. "Captured" is leading worship in Lafayette tomorrow night but we are making a day of it. Then I come home & watch the LSU vs. VT game...which should be majorly intense!!! WAHOO! So I should get to bed. | | |
| Hear Me, Oh Lord
It softly snows in the shadow where I sit silently suffering.
A mystery it is, this carved shape of darkness - a difficult thing to know.
I savor soundly my scarce bestowance of a single spot of sunlight
as I gaze upon the obstacle that casts this ghastly gloom.
Hurry with haste, you hopeful day, and help my hardened heart.
It beats in anguish and pounds for death, a tragic and fatal truth.
Hold my heart in high esteem, healing its hottest Hell.
Call my name...remember me. Remember your servant's face. Alas, as always, I await the hour when adoration fades
because then I will see your glory surround the darkest corners of yor.
Almighty Aba, assume your heir as king of all the earth
because when you do, you'll consume the darkness, and shadows can't exist. A Year
Strand me on an island lost and pray I make it home.
Place me on the highest mount and watch me stand alone.
Throw me into raging seas and hope I swim to shore.
Shove me onto broken glass and pray I bleed no more. Strip me of my pride and stance, naked to the world.
Bestow upon me shame and fear with twisted lips in curl.
Allow me to rip my dignity down as I reach to you for help.
Let me fight a lonesome battle, a war against myself. Is that what you were thinking a year ago today
When I returned with a holy gift from the blessed POA?
Did you think I'd not go through with all the standards and outward praise
Or did you want me to come back home, and God choose not to obey? Yet through the trials and numbing tears, your anger kept me strong.
You gave me something to remind me of what I was fighting for all along.
And though it's been a year since I received the Holy Ghost,
I'll keep pursuing His plan for me, the plan that matters most. Open your eyes and see me fly though I have a broken wing.
Understand what it means when I mount the stage and with clenched eyes I sing.
You sent me to the mountaintop to survive on my own.
But on that mount I stand with angels and I'm closer to my Home. So now I'm on my knees for you, praying you'll seek the truth.
I pray you step outside yourself in that place where they don't approve.
So step out in faith though it seems so dark and offer God your heart.
I speak from experience, it's worth the pain.
So please let me help you start. Where My Battle Lies
Behold the very hour of which I stand before you torn.
Look upon unhealing scars once pierced by falling blade.
Dwell within an injured mind where every thought doth mourn.
and there you'll see my haunting prison this ghastly world hath made.
Bitter drops of tears restrained run down your whitened face.
Your brow is furrowed in frustrated thought from pounds of heavy regret.
You're imprisoned within a solid cell, one that's filled with disgrace
that causes you to question faith, and all of happiness forget.
Wrath takes hold of your inner parts as you fight with outstretched arms.
You fight the wind, that invisible force; wholeheartedly you wish to win.
But at the start you knew your flaws, causing self-inflicted harm,
and all along you knew your flesh would lead your heart to sin.
Welcome to the devil's snare where his clever ways take hold.
Welcome to the den of fear where voices come to bind.
Welcome to my ultimate struggle where my weaknesses are bold
and this is where my battle lies - within my own thick mind. An Ode to Life's Recent Trials
O dimples sweet, return from thy slumber and mourn the loss of time.
Embed thyself in familiar comfort with only peace divine.
Refer not to tears so easily shed from eyes so eager to feign
And boast not of words from muttering lips whose intent was to drip with disdain.
O sacred heart, disremember desire of such anger that dwells within
And misrecollect such passion that drives thy lowly flesh to sin. Allay the yen to escape creation, to race the wind in defeat. Assault the vapor of unworthy thought that drives thee to thy knees. Unmask thyself of feigning grin; approach with humble zest. Relieve the burden upon thy back, the weight atop thy breast. Hold fast, O faith, restoration is here, making its way to thy heart. Its peaceful strands can mend thy soul though once t'was stripped apart. Close thine eyes, O cherub divine, and let Him lull thy sting. Slumber soundly in holy arms as heavenly voices doth sing. No more shall ye hum an elegy or requiem of bitter silence. Such thoughts will soon all stray away by sweet Heaven's holy kiss.
Sing, Silent Voice
Silent voice, why do you hide your beautiful sound from me?
Why must you stifle your glorious tone with abuse that dwells within thee?
What is causing your fear to rise and hold you in distress?
Just open thy mouth with a shaking song.
Please, just try your best.
I know it hurts to try and sound beautiful within your own small ears.
But sweet, baby girl, when you sing, you don't hear what I hear.
From my lips, a smile escapes when thy melody soars around.
And I hear your song above the rumble of the angels' magnificent sound.
So clear thy throat and breathe in deep,
Now let thy talent fly.
You'll see thine reflection among the tears
Which your song doth bring to mine eye.
In your times of solitaire, don't back away in defeat.
But sing with faithful confidence 'til I reveal your victory.
When standing alone, you must stand strong and hold your own loud note.
Sing your solo with dignity - that's when you shine the most.
Will you sing to me my name when there's not a tune to sing?
Will you lift your voice to me when a sound is all you can bring?
Sweet, baby girl, sing to thy grave, and I will meet ye there.
And there we'll fin'lly sing as one an eternal duet to share. My God, My God Distant chimes ring in the midst
Of dissonant chords of forgotten bliss.
Yet silence grabs hold of inward peace
With threatening hands so cold...so bleak.
Such silence irks the child within
Who suppresses her cries as she sighs, "Amen."
Such music of praise of the holy Name
Haunts her heart, makes her cringe in shame.
"I've been so devout," says she through tears.
"Seldom was I to ever doubt."
With trembling hands, she raised them high,
Summoning God to be at her side.
The numbness had struck her heart to stone,
And though surrounded, she felt alone.
Her desparate prayers bounced ceiling to floor
'Til she couldn't bear repeating the words once more.
"My God, my God!" - such utterance of pain
Comes only from the hurt who long to be sane.
"My God, my God...be in my strife,
For only through you can I regain my life.
My God, my God, where have you gone?
I need your arms to rest upon!
My God...my God...I cannot press on...
I cannot survive with you gone..."
Fighting for air in the waters of Tears,
She felt a soft breeze within one of her ears
And a tap on the shoulder as tears hit the ground
And His sweet, gentle whisper just said, "Turn around." | | |
| Oh joy, the days of summer nights where winds would hardly blow,
And low the countless flaming guides would hang upon the sky.
Miles of unknown distance lived between each brilliant glow,
And neither knew when it was time for one to shoot and fly
* * *
I remember running barefoot on a ghastly forest floor
Dodging sickly twisted and fallen trees, with shadows around me galore.
A smile spread across my face as I looked to my passing left,
For there I saw a shadow running, and similar speed it kept.
This shadow connected to my feet that were pounding hard in pace.
It looked at me with eager eyes and held a friendly face.
It always stayed a few steps behind, but never disappeared.
I only remember nighttime being the only time I feared.
At night the shadow was hard to find, for it's camoflauge to the eye.
But when I moved my hand for help, it was always by my side. By day, the shadow helped me make shoes from forest leaves.
By night, the shadow talked with me, my tears it helped to ease.
Summer went on as Earth turned 'round; I pressed forth within the wild.
And I became dependent on this shadow like a child.
I lost sight of why I ever entered the forest at all,
And the reason why I was running...that reason I couldn't recall.
I fell to my knees in deep travail, my eyes glued to the sky.
The starry guide beamed down on me and engulfed me in the night.
With struggling thoughts and failing words, I uttered my unwanted plea.
With painful tone, I whispered, "God, take the shadow from me." I returned to camp with a feigning grin, but the shadow saw my fraud.
Yet not a word was mentioned, and I continued the night alone.
The shadow continued helping me and guiding my eyes to good.
I forgot about the prayer I prayed when I didn't think I would.
The shadow was my greatest friend with sincerity and in faith.
It was a friendship that I loved and knew would forever stay. Summer drew to its final day and allowed the sun to rise.
We sat together on the forest's edge, only the shadow and I.
The shadow placed its newest shoes upon my rested feet.
It tied the laces and looked at me with a smile of hidden defeat.
"Take these shoes and remember the steps it takes to make shoes like these.
You will always be able to make new pairs, and in doing so remember me."
I smiled, laughed, and then stood up; the shadow followed my lead.
I stared at the meadow before my eyes, then turned to the forest behind me.
I'd spent much time in the darkness of the wild
That I'd forgotten what beauty was like.
I faced the sun about the meadow, and there received the Sight. My heart grew light, my face burned bright, and I took off towards the sun.
The heat felt good upon my skin, and I couldn't help but to run.
There I remembered why I was running in the forest back at the start.
I was chasing the feeling I was now feeling within the depths of my heart.
I stopped and turned to tell the shadow about my sudden thought,
But I was the only one there...my shadow friend was not.
My heart dropped from my chest to gut as I faced the distant wood,
And I felt a heaviness in my soul that I misunderstood.
The shadow transformed into something new and above it was a light,
Then it turned and ran into the trees, disappearing from my sight. Its form was human, yet angelic too, with a graceful stride of step.
And as it ran to its hiding place, an emptiness it left.
My heart was cold and my eyes were soaked, but the shadow did not return.
I just stood there in the miles of meadow as the tears began to burn.
I looked to my shoes and formed a hatred that was utterly hard to shake.
I ripped them off and threw they down; to wear them was a mistake.
I began walking back to the lonely wood to search for my beloved friend.
When suddenly it appeared before my eyes with another human in hand.
My heart was stabbed with jealousy, and I turned right back around.
My shadow friend held looks of sorrow, but refused to make a sound. I aimlessly trudged through miles of meadow with anger filling my mind.
It seemed no matter what I tried to do, I could not seem to unwind.
When suddenly there came a revelation of which I could not ignore.
And I heard a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Don't give up. There's more."
I looked to the sun and felt the heat as I closed my weary eyes,
And I began praising the One who lives beyond the eternal skies.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says He in silent voice.
I opened my eyes and nodded my head. "Lord, I've made my choice." I raced on through the grassy land with speed and agility.
And as I ran, there were many strengths that God revealed to me.
I learned to be strong when my feet gave way
And caused me to stumble and fall.
And I learned to decipher the many voices from the Voice above them all.
I fin'lly ran to the top of the hill that overlooked the land.
And on that hill was when my mind began to understand. My shadow friend was one of a kind, and one I'd grown to love.
It was place in my life to show me the way and keep me looking above.
But like all friends, they are seasonal, and our season had met its end.
And I remembered I prayed that God would take away my shadow friend.
He'd answered my prayer in a way offguard and it hurt to accept at first.
But I knew it was necessary if I wanted to quinch this thriving spiritual thirst.
So I looked above and thanked the Lord for answering my unwanted plea.
And I knew I'd be able to fin'lly move on
Because I knew I could keep the memory.
* * *
Months passed by and I grew each day in renewing faith and hope.
And though I missed my shadow friend, I could not live in the past.
So I filled my life with similar friends to keep me company.
But my mind kept saying no more best friends, the shadow was the last. The shadow taught me how to breathe when I was drowning in suppression.
It helped me pick my heart back up and lead me back to life.
It helped me fix my trodden mind and eased my often depression.
It helped me laugh and smile and forget about my strife. So I sit upon this rock as I prepare to travel some more,
Remembering the times I had with the shadow, and how it helped to mold me.
And as I finished tying the laces, I took in the sunlight galore
And smiled as I fastened a pair of familiar shoes upon my feet. | | |
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